As assignment comes down from Headquarters
To listen and wait for further instruction.
I battle in my mind with unresolved guilt
Expectations laid on me from the beginning of time.
Yet are they for me or are they for Him?
I struggle to know the difference,
For this Will resides within my fleshly human form, but I can't do it
I'd love to ride with saints, the wave of faith, yet for my false ideals.
The longer I try the more I see my inadequacies.
This reverts me back to my original dilemma, unresolved guilt.

Though lofty plans arise, I don't.
What does a saint look like?
For some reason, though I'm called saint, I don't comply.
With bended knee and wet eye, I seem not to measure.
The fear that time would prove me a failure,
And efforts made were all in vain, sears my conscience.
I long to bring Him pleasure,
But with my alleged course and unresolved guilt,
I like dog with wet behind, have tucked tail and ears,
Hiding under the couch of activity, hoping the puddle dries soon.

What must I do, Oh Lord to be saved?
Have I failed You miserably?
Do I shame Your Most Holy Name?
Utterly I feel as if I have failed, as day passes day,
I feel further reproach is marked against me.
I lack the strength and will to match Your mark,
Or is it my mark that has been etched into my mind?
What does a saint look like?
Who can live up to such a task?
Certainly I have not and will not.

Yet You are my Resolve
For no one, not even You, are good
Only the Father can make such a claim
If You, the closest earthly vessel could not do, lest it be the Father,
Why do I try to strut and strain to meet some erroneous challenge
For prideful man would it be, with mallet and nail in hand,
Driving home such unwise claim.
I leave the vanity, the arm of flesh, with not a glance back.
Choosing to rest now in Your able power, for You hold the key.
The power is beyond man, it must be lived through Him, from You!

Writers reflection:

I have dragged the guilt that has become a benchmark in my life into my relationship with God. This day, the plague was of a heightened caliber. God is the only good throughout all of creation and my endless struggle to be good will never help me to achieve goodness. Jesus Himself did not make such a claim, so why do I believe I can reach such heights. God must live this life through me and that is the only way I will make it as a Christian. And sainthood is more a statement of surrender than of action. 

Copyright © 1996 John Enslow